The map: who are you? where are you going?

This article is part of a series about a new (and yet old) way to interact with the world. In the first article in the series, I gave a brief description of identity and why it's important to take charge of your own identity.

You may wish to review the summary of the first article.  These concepts aren't simple, but understanding them is well worth your time.

Let's expand on the brief description of identity in the previous article.  First, why should you care? What is so important about identity? How does identity differ from "self?" And how can you benefit from this new understanding?

Why should I care about this?

You're reading this because you want a bright future. Having a high degree of satisfaction in your future, rather than psychological distress, depends on how well prepared you are.

Complete the sentence: "Fortune favors the _______." That's where you and I want to be, in that blank right there. Bold. Brave. Strong. Similarly, Louis Pasteur said, "In the fields of observation chance favours only the prepared mind."

A bold person is willing to take risks. A prepared mind is ready to leap onboard before the train of opportunity leaves the station. On the road of life, to succeed requires having a good map and knowing how to use it.

The map to your future is your identity.

This map metaphor involves a special kind of map. I'm not referring to an atlas or a map on the wall that can be useful decades after it's printed. We're talking about a map like a battlefield map or the one in your GPS app. These maps need to be constantly updated because the trail conditions are in constant flux.

Life can change in a heartbeat. In fact, the more stable your life seems right now, the more likely you'll be needing a good map in the near future. The past is not a reliable way to determine the future.In a future post I'll explain why it's unrealistic to base our expectations of the future on recent events. If you don't want to wait, try googling "regression to the mean."

OK, what do I need to know about my identity? It doesn't seem that complicated to me.

I described some of what identity encompasses in the overview article, so I won't go into those attributes again. But there's more.

You're not just an individual. You're also a dividual, and you have multiple selves. Don't take my word for it:

We're not horsing around here

I like the way Christine Korsgaard, Harvard Professor of Philosophy, put it: "We each have an animal identity as well as our more specifically human identity and...  some of the most important problems of personal integration come from this fact."Korsgaard, Christine. 1989. Personal identity and the unity of agency: A Kantian response to Parfit. Philosophy and Public Affairs 18, no. 2: 101-132. Note: I don't believe in quoting philosophers, no matter how eloquent, to prove a point.  But I really like some of her reasoning, and it goes along with the evidence-based material I've found elsewhere.

This is why I chose the horse metaphor. "Problems of personal integration" are so common, they are universal. Ask yourself: What guides my choices and decisions? Is it my emotions? Is it my friends, relatives, workmates? Is it my willpower? Is it my intentions? Is it me? Is it someone else? Is it someone inside me? Is it my past?

The answer to all these questions is yes.

We need a way to separate this crowd of influences enough to sit them down and get them to work together. That's what I'm explaining to you here.

A horse is a horse, of course, except when it's not

The horse represents our "animal identity." It's the experiencing self. It's very simple, but so many people have trouble understanding the concept. Why did I eat that chocolate cake when I said I wouldn't? Why did I spend more than my budget last month? Why can't I control my temper?

It starts with understanding the problem. We're angry and ashamed of ourselves when the problem was simply that we failed to keep a hold of the reins. We'll cover this in more depth later.

Korsgaard continues, "One might say, a little extravagantly, that the growing human animal is disciplined, frustrated, beaten, and shaped until it becomes a person - and then the person is faced with the task of re-integrating the animal and its needs back into a human life." 

That's what we're discussing here. We're not covering horse training just yet, but we need to understand the "animal" part of our identity or we'll miss the entire point of what identity does.

Other aspects of identity

Personal identity

Most of the time when we talk about identity we are referring to a concept known as personal identity.  It's the sum of the things that make an individual unique.  Some scholars include experiences, such as our feelings, as part of our personal identity.  

Social identity

This includes all of a person's group memberships and all the social roles that she might play. Social identity theory hypothesizes that group members seek to enhance their self-image by looking for negative aspects of those outside the group.

Expectations associated with social identity influence our behavior.  For example, a person who identifies as an athlete will train harder than someone who simply has a goal to get in better shape.  Deciding to become an athlete amounts to writing something new on our own identity (map).  Also, whether we are aware of it or not, others constantly influence us, helping us write our identity.

Practical identity

This phrase seems to be Korsgaard's creation.While "practical identity" sounds a little like a buzzphrase to me, it gets the point across.    She defines this identity as a function of personal agency, that is, free choice.This concept - personal agency - seems to me to be synonymous with the Freudian concept of ego. We serve as personal agents when we navigate the space between our drives and desires (Freud's id, the horse in my analogy) and the demands of society (superego).  The practical identity is composed of informed choices the individual makes according to his values.  He acts "out of a conscious endorsement of the reasons underpinning the given action and not simply on blind impulse or desire."Walker S., McMillan J. (2017) Memory, Identity and Dementia. In: Schramme T., Edwards S. (eds) Handbook of the Philosophy of Medicine. Springer, Dordrecht. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-017-8688-1_64. I discovered Korsgaard's take through this route.  I especially appreciate the way the authors of this paper elucidate her position.

This is the identity I am advocating by means of this many selves/horse ride analogy.  Understanding our varying roles (many selves) and using that information to make informed choices can improve your life and mine. To the extent the individual chooses goals, values, and ideals for himself, to this extent he has a truly unique identity.

What's the difference between identity and "sense of self?"

Academics struggle to answer this question because it's difficult to know exactly what we're comparing. I think my metaphor will make it clearer than any dictionary definition. Take the example earlier of the printed wall map vs. your pocket GPS. The GPS is updated frequently, so it's much more likely to give you accurate guidance when you need it most. But the wall map will help you get a better overall idea of the terrain. They are both different ways of looking at the same thing.

Some people consider identity to be the outward-facing, more stable side, and self-concept to be the part which changes moment by moment. But for my purposes they are the same thing.

In these essays I'll be using "identity" synonymously with self-concept, because I'm focusing on "practical identity," as defined above. There are some aspects of our identity that we can't really control: who are family members are, our disabilities, some of our quirks of personality. Outsiders will make judgments about us based on these, and to a degree we have no control over that.

It's best to focus on what we can control, because that part of our identity will soon eclipse the other parts in the minds of all the people that really matter.

Don't make a wrong turn

The reason it's important to make this distinction is because we need to get used to seeing our identity as a shifting, fluid entity rather than a stable one. To illlustrate, consider my a real life map experience:

I was driving through an unfamiliar part of town using an old GPS app that hadn't been recently updated. As I followed its direction and turned onto a side street, I heard someone behind me honk. I was momentarily irritated until I observed four lanes of traffic ahead of me, all coming my direction. Fortunately I had an opportunity to pull onto another side street before I came close enough to the oncoming traffic.

I learned an important lesson that day about keeping my GPS updated (and also about watching for road signs more carefully). Obviously, the road department had changed the way traffic was routed in that part of town, and I could have paid a heavy price for my error.

Likewise, failing to keep up to date with our shifting identity can put us in an awkward position.

Hazel Rose Markus and Paula Nurius have given a lot of thought to this concept.  Here's how they contrast self-concept with the traditional concept of identity. Notice it makes the same point I made above:

The content of the working self-concept depends on what self-conceptions have been active just before, on what has been elicited or made dominant by the particular social environment, and on what has been more purposefully invoked by the individual in response to a given experience, event, or situation.... The sociologist's concept of identity cannot be used as a basis for competent performance because it is much too stable and removed from the demands and constraints of the moment-to-moment situation.Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969. doi:10.1037/0003-066x.41.9.954.  This appears to be the seminal work on the subject.  I found many derivative studies that I'm looking through for more insights.

So to really get an accurate picture of ourselves (our selves), we need to look at our self-concept map moment to moment rather than trying to see an overall picture. Markus and Nurius elaborate further:

Many of an individual's self-conceptions are images of the now or current selves; they describe the self as it presently is perceived by the individual. Other self-conceptions, however, are possible selves. These may be past selves that no longer characterize the self, but under some circumstances could be relevant again, or they may be future selves, images of the self that have not yet been realized but that are hoped for or feared.

Korsgaard concurs: "When the person is viewed as an agent, no clear content can be given to the idea of a merely present self."  In other words, agency - "practical identity" - means being concerned about the future, not just the present. 

Future selves: the new territory on the map

You can probably remember a time when you had a "future self," a single ideal role, in mind for yourself.  I recall at various times in my childhood  wanting to be an astronaut, an inventor, or a writer when I grew up. "Future selves" is a healthier way to consider potential roles since we aren't limited to just one. 

What, though, if we become attached to one single possible future role, one ideal self?

The NPR show Invisibilia devoted an episode to considering this possibility.  It's a fascinating but tragic account of a teacher who thought he knew what was best for his students. 

In the episode Hanna Rosin interviews Daphna Oyserman, psychology professor at the University of Southern California.  Oyserman herself has interviewed hundreds of adolescents about their imagined future selves.  After one of the teacher's students committed suicide, Oyserman remarked, "He made a classic error, pinning the kids to such a specific and singular version of their future self that anything else seemed like failure."

Rosin admonishes the audience:

There are no shortcuts, no magic keys that can unlock your amazing, new, future self because maybe there just isn't one single future self.

It's more like a dance you have to do with lots of future selves. And you can't hold on to anyone too tightly. And you might even consider the idea that you don't need any future self - that 10 years from now, you could be more or less who you are, just a little older. And that's fine.

She should know.  Co-host Alix Spiegel asks Rosin who her future self was.  Rosin replies, "It's just someone who didn't live in Queens."

OK, but what's in it for me?

Now that we know what goes on the map, it's time to get ours out and start drawing.  How can this knowledge improve your life?

Start seeing yoursel(ves)

First of all, try to start catching yourself whenever you think about the future, positive or negative.  Try to see yourself in a role.  This might not be easy at first, but with practice it will become more natural. 

Maybe you are excited about a possibility.  You made a new friend with lots of connections, and he might be willing to introduce you to someone who can advance your career.  Try to imagine what that would be like. 

Or maybe you're worried about something.  You have a big payment coming due and you don't have enough to pay it, and you don't know where you'll get the money. It may not be fun, but try to imagine the different ways the situation can play out.  Do you picture yourself being thrown in jail?  Probably not.  What possible future selves can you imagine?  The more the better, because you can begin to take steps either to reach your goal or to avoid the bad outcome.

There are many ways you can do this. 

• Keep a journal, and write as many future selves as you can think of, at the top of each page.
• Keep a file and add a dated entry whenever a new hope or fear comes to mind.
• Benjamin Hardy suggests drawing a circle with your name in the center and listing your dreams in all areas of life as a series of expanding bubbles. 
• I'd love to hear your ideas.

Try to group your hopes and fears together as much as possible and look for patterns.  Do any overlap?  For example, do you see that more than one of your hopes involve the same prerequisite?  Will you need training?  Will you need to find the right person to help? 

If this step would bring you closer to more than one of your hoped-for future selves, why not start working on it right away?

A caution

Before you go too far, make sure you counteract your fears or hopes with some opposite thinking.  While you plan out your future self, make sure to put on your black hat and think about possible consequences.  What might get in your way of accomplishing your goal?  What might happen as an unintended consequence of reaching your goal?  

Few of us enjoy thinking about negative possibilities, but the head-in-the-sand approach won't help you avoid undesirable outcomes. First of all, as you carefully write out every possibility you can think of for things going wrong, you might find out things aren't as bad as you had feared. 

In any case, after you're done listing all the feared future selves (going to jail, going bankrupt, working as a janitor, losing your girlfriend, etc.), take a careful look at the list and put on your yellow hat. Just as there are always potential consequences to getting what we want, there are always potential upsides to bad news.  Look for the silver lining.

Choose your own identity

Here's another powerful way to use the map to improve your life.  James Clear's bestselling book, Atomic Habits, focuses on the role of identity in changing behavior.  While most of us try to change our behavior by setting goals, Clear points out that this is much less effective than starting new habits.  And the most effective way to effect behavior change is to tie it to your identity.

Clear writes, "It’s important to let your values, principles, and identity drive the loop rather than your results. The focus should always be on becoming that type of person, not getting a particular outcome." Remember the athlete example above?  Just be aware that, according to identity theorist Sheldon Stryker, the more important the identity, the more it is in need of validation.Stryker, S. (1984). Identity theory: Developments and extensions. In (Chair), Self and social structure, Conference on self and identity. Symposium conducted at the meeting of the British Psychological Society, University College, Cardiff, Wales.

Challenge yourself

At the top of the article, when you were thinking, "Fortune favors the bold," where did you see yourself?  Did a possible future self come to mind?  Do you have an impossible dream?  Why is it impossible?  What about a scaled-down version?  I read the other day that the best level to operate at for optimum improvement is four percent higher than what you're comfortable with.  Can you find a way to move toward a new identity that's just beyond your reach?

When you do, make sure you keep careful track of your progress.  What if you fail?  Great!I'm not being sarcastic.  The road to success is paved with failures.  Keep track of why that happened and try again.  Use what you learned from your failure to improve your next effort.

This is your map.  Make sure to add lots of personal touches in the margins.  It's your new identity.  It will constantly have room for you to fill in areas of unexplored territory, and you'll have lots of exciting past and future selves to add to the map.  Or you can decide to just be who you are.  That's ok too.  Either way, you'll need the map.

To make best use of the map you'll need help from two of your other selves.  The next article in the series will discuss the very important narrating self.

Summary

• We can craft our own identity.
• For best results, our identity should be:
  • based on our own values and principles rather than the opinions of others
  • frequently updated
• There are at least three types of identity:
  • physical
  • social
  • practical
• Understanding our separate "selves" will help us separate the many factors that influence our lives and respond appropriately
• Applying the practical suggestions above will improve your life in many ways

A new way to see your self - take a trail ride to a new identity

I've discovered a metaphor that can help you master difficult challenges in a whole new way.  This concept is both very new and very old.  Let's start from the new and then look at the old.

When the voices in our head are colorful

In 2015, Disney's Pixar Animation Studios released Inside Out, a movie about the emotions inside a little girl's head as she moves from Minnesota to a completely new home in San Francisco.  The girl, Riley, herself plays a supporting role; the main characters are the five emotions inside her head personified as Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. 

The movie was a hit with viewers and critics alike.  And while a popular movie about a technical topic - like psychology - is often full of inaccuracies, this one did much better than expected.  The most popular reviews by psychologists praise the movie for including a lot of accurate depictions about how emotions work.  The most interesting thing to me about the movie was the interaction of the characters inside Riley's head.  This metaphor can be useful in understanding human thinking and behavior.

But we don't really have different personalities inside our heads that vie for control of us, do we? While most of us don't have multiple personalities, many influences are constantly at work in all of us, conscious and subconscious, affecting our thinking and actions.

An old concept, but still relevant

Now let's look at the old part of this concept.  For ages philosophers have wrestled with the concept of self.  They struggled to understand consciousness, and humans have long tried to make sense of the fact that we are only conscious here, in this moment, but we exist both forward and backward in time.  How is this possible?  And what can we compare this to, to make more sense of it?  

William James was a brilliant thinker.  Wikipedia tells us he was "the first educator to offer a psychology course in the United States. James is considered to be a leading thinker of the late nineteenth century, one of the most influential philosophers of the United States, and the 'Father of American psychology.'"  In 1890, James published The Principles of Psychology, a groundbreaking psychology textbook.  To this day scientists still refer to his work in investigating the nature of the self.

James identified some important distinctions about the concept of self.  First of all he recognized that self and identity are intertwined.  A person's identity encompasses her relationships.  It also encompasses the roles she fills. Here are some quotes from his chapter on the consciousness of self:

Nothing is commoner than to hear people discriminate between their different selves of this sort: "As a man I pity you, but as an official I must show you no mercy;" "As a politician I regard him as an ally, but as a moralist I loathe him;" etc., etc.

The past and present selves compared are the same just so far as they are the same, and no farther.

And if from the one point of view they are one self, from others they are as truly, not one, but many selves.

Neither threats nor pleadings can move a man unless they touch some one of his potential or actual selves.

His idea of viewing a person as either "one self" or "many selves" has merit today.  

An old idea that's catching on

As we grow older and gain maturity, we gradually develop a separate sense of self that is less and less tied to group identity and more and more individual.  Since we've reduced the concept of self from group to individual, why not take it a step further and look within the "individual?" There we will find roles that are played by parts of the person. 

There are growing numbers of educated people who are familiar with this concept. It isn't rare for me to hear people talking about inner-personal constructs such as "future selves" or "the experiencing self." On the other hand, if that doesn't match your experience, and this concept seems strange to you, please bear with me.

I believe that after you have become thoroughly familiar with the subject, you'll discover insights that come to the surface, like I have.  In fact there are insights this method can provide that would be very difficult, if not impossible, to obtain in another way.

Interestingly, Walt Whitman's poem Song of Myself (1892 version) contains the lines:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Why does thinking of an individualOr, in this case, a "dividual" as "many selves" make sense?

Events, emotions, social influences, memories, drives and desires, are all in constant flux, meaning that every minute we face will be different than the one before.  Each role we have played, each memory we hold, could be considered a separate "self:"

• The good selves (the ones we remember fondly)This list is from Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969. doi:10.1037/0003-066x.41.9.954
• The bad selves (the ones we would just as soon forget)
• The hoped-for selves
• The feared selves
• The not-me selves
• The ideal selves
• The ought selves

Let's take this concept for a ride

In a recent blog post, I likened the mind to a spirited horse.  This is because, like a horse, our minds have tremendous power, but they need to be tamed in order to serve us best.  Today I'm going to take that concept way further.  I warn you, this ride may get a bit wild at first, but it will be worth it.  I'm purposely not supporting the claims I'm making in this post because there will be a series of follow up articles that fill in the gaps.  This article is meant to give a high-level overview.

Here's the metaphor: Not only is your mind a spirited horse, but you are the rider and you have the support of a team of professionals.  These professionals also happen to be you, in different roles.  You'll need a horse handler, a horse trainer, a guide, and a map.  We'll start with the map, then we'll discuss the roles and how they work, and finally we'll address some of the challenges you'll face along the way.

The map: your identity

The guide creates the map with the help of the trainer. The trainer knows the horses (your past selves) and uses this knowledge to get them ready for the trail (your future selves). The better the map, the more effective the guide will be in using it. Unfortunately, there are other riders who want to make changes to the map.

The reality

Your identity doesn't appear in a vacuum. It includes:

• A larger sense of self involving your relationships and affiliations
• Your physical self: abilities, disabilities, attributes
• What you do: occupation, avocations
• "Salient attributes" (physical and personality traits evident to others)

Self and identity are crucially connected concepts, because it's impossible to have one without the other. Other critical components of a self-identity are goals, values, and ideals.  To the extent the individual chooses these for himself, to this extent he has a truly unique identity.  We don't exist in a vacuum so to a greater or lesser degree, others help us write our identity.

Why it matters

A healthy identity is one where you do most of the writing yourself.  A clearly differentiated self concept is necessary for high self esteem. It's also very difficult to take action without a strong identity to serve as a base.  And a strong sense of identity (ego strength) is crucial when facing challenges.

The roles you play

The rider: the present self

The rider is you, but like Riley, you also have other characters inside your head.  We'll delve into these in later articles, but for now it's enough to say that you, the rider, have just one consciousness.  Oddly, you share the consciousness with the horse, but a good horse and rider act as one, so it's not really as strange as it may seem at first.

The horse: the experiencing self

With a horse, you can travel farther, see more, and go faster, than on foot. The horse is an animal so it doesn't have any goals of its own other than its instinctive desires. It thrives on excitement and carrots and is easily spooked. You have to keep the horse happy or you'll get nowhere. But if you give free rein to the horse, you'll be sorry.

The reality

The experiencing self is based on the hedonic principle: seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is our default mode, and it's easy to give free rein to our desires if we're not careful, with the resulting regrets as a consequence. Many people struggle with their desires daily. They don't recruit a guide, and they let anyone who wants to train the horse. But you and I are not like that. We're looking for the best trainer and guide available. It so happens we also get to be the guide and the trainer, but that's good because we can make sure we are doing the best job in all of our many roles.

The trainer: the narrating self

The narrating self is the horse trainer. He is mostly dependent on the handler to supply him the knowledge he needs to train the horses. However the narrator has a higher level view than the handler. He's not just interested in the individual horses; he wants to keep the herd working together as one. He provides information to the guide so the guide will be prepared to lead the rider to the right trail.

The reality

Our narrating self looks for patterns in our memories. It isn't able to see everything equally, because memories are stored in ways that distort their appearance. The narrating self generally tries to form a story that's coherent and consistent. This story becomes the identity, and it is used as a guide for the future. The guide, the planning self, uses the narrative identity as a starting point for decisions and a limiting factor for determining possible paths to follow.

The story matters

We have influence over our narrating self, because we can choose our own identity to a degree. We can decide which of our past selves will define us. We can rely on memory, or, more wisely, we can leave a breadcrumb trail of information (for example, journals and photographs) to help us understand our past better than relying on memory alone.

The narrating self is one of the most important, because without identity there is no self. To the degree that we become skillful in identity building and life story narration, to that degree we can improve our relationships with others and our own mental health.

The handler: the remembering self

The handler spends the most time with the horse. He works with the trainer to advise the rider how to handle the horse.

The handler and the trainer act with complete sincerity. But they don't always give you an accurate picture of the horse. Sometimes the handler will give instructions to the rider that are in the handler's best interests, not the rider's. The rider depends on the handler to help him deal with challenges successfully, but a savvy rider learns to monitor the horse and to mark waypoints along the trail to verify he is not getting false information.

Not only is the handler somewhat selfish, he is highly influenced not only by the trainer but also by others who don't work at the horse ranch. Sometimes he's just wrong for no reason.

The reality

We are dependent on the remembering self, that is, the role memories play in our decisions. Our memories are often faulty, and they are subject to being influenced or even rewritten by our other selves, or by other individuals. The narrating self works closely with the remembering self, like a horse trainer with a horse handler, and the roles can be so similar that one is easily confused with the another. When making decisions regarding future experiences, the remembering self usually takes charge. Our experiencing self, the one who will actually live through those experiences, is frequently left out of the process.

The guide: the planning self

The horse trainer works with the guide to make sure he understands the terrain and the horse. The rider has to be patient and allow the guide to do his job instead of giving in to the temptation to gallop off on her own, which can obviously lead to problems.

The reality

The experiencing self would rather go through life cruising, shopping, and surfing Netflix but low self-esteem is sure to follow (not to mention other bank account deficits). It costs something in time and energy to activate the planning self. The planning self relies on the narrating self to determine what trails to follow. On top of this, at every turn in the trail the planning self will need to reappear to course correct, or the rider can get lost.  I mean, you won't reach your goals.

Train the guide, don't fight him

Realize that your plans are only as good as your narrative identity will allow. A poorly crafted identity will sabotage productive planning. Keep in mind that your future selves will need to have access to the same information your planning self has access to right now. That means it's probably not a good idea to rely on the unreliable remembering self. We'll cover a lot more ways to improve this process in the future but here are a couple:

1. Write down your plans as much as possible. This way your ideas will be transmitted to your future planning self more effectively.
2. Take the time to work with your narrating self to craft a reliable long term plan.

By following more tips that we'll cover later, you can craft your identity in a more helpful way.  We'll also consider how understanding our "many selves" can help us plan for the future more effectively.

Let's go for a ride: meet your future selves

The trail's end(s): your hoped-for selves

The trail is long, and there may be multiple trails branching off it, and all of them are exciting destinations. But it's important not to get lost along the way.

We may have a vision of our ideal future self, but most likely there are several options that appeal to us. We must neither lose sight of the destination nor be unwilling to take a side trail if it turns out to be a better option.

The reality

At different times in life we'll have different visions of the kind of person we'd like to become (possible future selves). It's important to regularly stop and take stock of where we are headed. Failure to plot the course and stay on it can lead to disillusionment and depression.

The snakes: your feared selves

Like snakes along the trail, fears are the possible selves we want to avoid. Rather than pretend there are no snakes or avoid the trail in constant fear of them, we need training to learn how to identify snakes and avoid them.

There are fewer snakes along the trail than we expect, but the horse will think it is seeing them everywhere. We need to learn how to calm the horse and how to make sure it doesn't actually run into a snake or get spooked by one, throwing us off.

The reality

Rather than constantly feeling anxious or trying to ignore problems, we need to:

1. Accept the problems we are facing
2. Have a strategy for dealing with them
3. Make use of the strategy
4. Continue the process, stay in practice

Other riders

High level view: horseback riding experiences can vary from a nose-to-tail trail ride to a free ranging gallop. An inexperienced rider on an untrained, spirited horse can get injured, or worse. Also, a horse is best trained by one trainer but it's possible for others to throw their hat in the ring. Not only that, others on the trail may grab the reins and try to steer your horse.

The reality

We are heavily influenced by others from day one. When we are young this is generally in our best interests, but as we grow up we need to take charge of our own path. This is a team activity involving the planning self, the narrating self, and the rider herself. All along the way we need to determine whether the choices we are making are our own or the result of influence from others. Not only that, the rider herself needs to keep an eye out for ego which often grabs the reins when she's not looking.

How to avoid clashes with other riders

Learn how to recognize the source of each of your intentions. Are you fully involved in the decision or did someone plant the idea in your head? Are you taking action to avoid disappointing someone else? Further, we need to learn how to recognize when ego is holding the reins and what to do about it.

Not just a fun analogy

I hope you enjoyed my little comparison of managing the many challenges we face in life to horseback riding.  Like horseback riding, life can be fun and exciting, and it can also be dangerous.  And both require training and coordination with skilled professionals for the best results.  Future articles will take a deep dive into the science behind these concepts and the valuable lessons we can learn.  I am confident you'll learn things you might not learn any other way.  Things that will improve your life.

Summary

• "Many selves" is an old concept that's catching on today.
• A horse riding metaphor can help us understand our "selves."
• Having a strong sense of identity boosts self-esteem and helps us cope with challenges.
• Some examples of benefits of the many selves metaphor:
  • Understanding our experiencing self helps us live more purposefully.
  • Becoming a more skilled narrating self will improve our relationships and well-being.
  • The remembering self is unskilled but often takes control anyway.  Being aware of this is important.
  • Understanding our many selves can help us plan for the future more effectively.
  • Understanding our possible future selves will give us a brighter outlook.
  • The horse ride analogy can improve our relationships with others.

You have a beautiful mind, and it wants to fool you

John Nash had a beautiful mind.  He made great contributions to economics and mathematics.  According to Wikipedia, "John Nash is the only person to be awarded both the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences and the Abel Prize."  You've probably heard of him, especially considering that his life was the basis of the 2001 movie A Beautiful Mind.  His life was also plagued with mental illness which he characterized as "dream-like delusional hypotheses."  You may be relieved that you are not in his shoes.  But don't be too quick.

As we've discussed before, science has confirmed that there really is an unconscious part of our minds, like the iceberg below the surface.  This unconscious mind plays an active role in our life and in our thoughts.  It subtly influences our actions without our conscious awareness.  For example, we not only do things to win the approval of others, consciously or not, but we often change our beliefs in order to do so, without even realizing it.  These topics, known as priming and social desirabilty, are covered in the article Who Influences Your Outlook? Can You Even Know?  Sometimes our ego, influenced by unconscious desires, makes it more difficult for others to like us, which is ironically the opposite of social desirability. What a two-timer our unconscious mind can be!  On top of that, sometimes it even takes over right in front of our eyes when we are in a weak state. This is known as ego depletion.

Know your enemy, and the enemy is yourself

It's time to take back control from our two-timing shadow self.I admit that the "shadow self" is a shadowy concept.  The term ego is much more well-defined.  It's my understanding that "shadow" can refer either to the unconscious mind, or it could be aspects of personality the individual isn't conscious of. I don't think science has clarified this enough for a rigorous definition, but regardless of technicalities of speech, each of us definitely has parts of ourselves (mind and personality) that we aren't fully aware of.  But first, we need to understand our enemy.  Thankfully, we are armed with a vast array of knowledge.  The battle will not be easy, but it can be won.  Today I am introducing a new topic to this blog: Patterns of thinking known as cognitive biases. Our brains may be sneaky, but they are not completely unpredictable.  Think of your brain like a spirited horse.  It might throw you off if you're not careful, but it can take you places you could never go otherwise.

Wikipedia's cognitive biases page has been steadily growing over the years.  It was already long in 2015 when a blogger named Buster Benson decided to look for order in the chaos.  He started carefully sorting and categorizing all of the biases, looking for patterns, and he was delighted to discover they could all be categorized under four main types.I was delighted, too.  I was thinking of undertaking the project myself but it seemed monumental.  I'm glad I went looking around first.  He saved me a lot of trouble. He announced that these erroneous thinking patterns arise for four main reasons:

1. A mind can only process so much information, so sometimes it just skips over some of it.
2. Sometimes there's not enough context for the input to make sense. So the mind adds information, filling in the gaps.
3. There's too much information to fit in memory, so it looks for ways to simplify and generalize.
4. There's just not enough time to process it all.  It has to make assumptions.

Buster wrote a blog post which has now gotten more than a million views.Sadly, now behind a paywall. This trend seems to be accelerating as paid print media is quickly being replaced by paid electronic media.  Shortly afterward a graphic artist caught wind of his work and generated this beautiful infographic, which rightfully won a 2019 Kantar Information is Beautiful Award.

(Click the image for an interactive vector graphic with links to Wikipedia articles about individual cognitive biases.  Hit your browser back button to continue reading)

Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.  Design: John Manoogian III

With John's and Buster's help, we have what we need to start taming the wild side of our tricky brains.  Today I'll start helping you put this mammoth task into perspective, but we don't have much time so we have to act fast.It's supposed to be a joke.  I was getting close to deadline when I wrote this.  You didn't really want a longer article, did you?

When your brain gets in a hurry

I direct your attention to the lower left quadrant of the image.  To save time, the brain:

1. Favors options that appear simpler and more complete.  This prevents cognitive strain.
2. Tries as much as possible to keep things the same, to keep its options open.
3. Tries to stay with what it knows rather than risk moving on to something new.
4. Stays focused by favoring something that's here and now rather than something less certain.
5. Assumes it's right.  It's too much trouble to be wrong.

Since we're in a hurry right now, let's just focus on number four.  From the graphic we can see three manifestations of this bias:

Identifiable victim effect

Fifty million children are starving in Africa.  Johnny down the street has cancer.  Whom are you most likely to help?  Your brain already has the answer.  It doesn't know anything about those children in Africa, but it really wants to help Johnny.  Johnny is close by, you know him, and you'll probably be rewarded for helping him, in some way that your brain can recognize.  What will happen if you donate to those poor starving African kids?  You might get a postcard saying thank you.  Can you feel your brain fighting you right now just thinking about it?

Appeal to novelty

Our brains love novelty, because novelty always means a lovely hit of dopamine.  In fact, if there wasn't something new to you in this article, you wouldn't even be reading this.  Your brain would have convinced you to move on well before now.  In case I need to give you examples of this bias, just think about all the times you've heard that a product is new and improved.  Think of all the new music that gets played because someone thinks it's better than the old classics.  And would there even be a fashion industry if our brains didn't love novelty?

Time preference

Hyperbolic discounting is one form of time preference.I'm not getting more specific right now, because I'll likely revisit this topic again.  My brain may discount the possibility, but I'm holding the reins. Offer someone $10 today or $15 in a month and what's likely to happen?  His brain will convince him you probably won't be around to give him the $15 next month.  More importantly, it will think of lots of reasons he needs the $10 right now.  That's time preference in a nutshell.  This topic is so important we'll cover it more in the future, but your brain doesn't care about that right now.Here it is. I'm proud of myself for following through on my past self's intentions.  I didn't even use a commitment device to make myself do it.  (Hint: the article explains what I'm talking about.)(

How does this make you feel?

How do you feel right now?  Are you feeling overwhelmed?  Did you have any idea there are so many ways your brain can fool you?  Don't lose heart.  Your brain has been fooling you all along, but now you are starting to understand its tricks, and you'll soon be armed with ways to fight back.  Besides, for every error and bias, for every negative effect these shortcuts have on you, there are at least an equal number of positive effects.  Because this is the way we make sense of the world.  If our brains weren't being lazy and taking shortcuts like the ones we're exploring, we'd be lost in an overwhelming torrent of information with no way to make sense of anything. 

So don't be afraid of the horse. Just remember, that horse will be much easier to ride when you understand how to make it gallop and how to keep it from throwing you off.  Future blog posts will help you turn that bucking bronco into a Kentucky derby winner.

What is self-esteem, really?  And how can I increase it?

This term gets thrown around a lot.  Parents worry about raising their children to have too little self esteem, or too much.  Well-meaning people encourage those who have a low opinion of themselves to "think positively," or to repeat positive affirmations each day:  "I am a great person.  I can accomplish anything I want."  Others equate interest in self-esteem with egotism.  What really is self esteem?  Why bother talking about it?  How can you recognize it in others?  How can you genuinely improve your self esteem?

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves and about life. It involves self-confidence, specifically confidence in our ability to think. When we have sufficient self-esteem we are confident in our ability to learn, to make decisions, and to respond to change. We also believe that experiencing success, achievement, and happiness are right and natural for us.

Ultimately, self-esteem is a function of our ability to understand and cope with reality.

Considering the complexity of this subject I think it's wise to start with the thoughts of an expert on the subject. Dr. Nathaniel Branden is considered by many to be "the father of the Self-Esteem movement," and the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is his most popular work.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Six_Pillars_of_Self-Esteem  Therefore most of this post will be built upon his work, and I consider his thoughts on the subject worth quoting:

If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, it is not self-esteem.

When we seek to align ourselves with reality as best we understand it, we nurture and support our self-esteem. When, either out of fear or desire, we seek escape from reality, we undermine our self-esteem. A person cannot experience self-respect who too often, in action, betrays consciousness, knowledge, and conviction – that is, who operates without integrity.

Self-esteem is not a free gift of nature. It has to be cultivated, has to be earned. It cannot be acquired by blowing oneself a kiss in the mirror and saying, “Good morning, Perfect.” It cannot be attained by being showered with praise. Nor by sexual conquests. Nor by material acquisitions. Nor by the scholastic or career achievements of one’s children. Nor by a hypnotist planting the thought that one is wonderful. Nor by allowing young people to believe they are better students than they really are and know more than they really know; faking reality is not a path to mental health or authentic self-assurance. However, just as people dream of attaining effortless wealth, so they dream of attaining effortless self-esteem – and unfortunately the marketplace is full of panderers to this longing.

Nothing is more common than the effort to protect self-esteem not with consciousness but with unconsciousness – with denial and evasion – which only results in a further deterioration of self-esteem. Indeed a good deal of the behavior we call “neurotic” can be best understood as a misguided effort to protect self-esteem by means which in fact are undermining.

One of the great challenges to our practice of living consciously is to pay attention to what in fact nurtures our self-esteem or deteriorates it. The reality may be very different from our beliefs. We may, for example, get a very pleasant “hit” from someone’s compliment, and we may tell ourselves that when we win people’s approval we have self-esteem, but then, if we are adequately conscious, we may notice that the pleasant feeling fades rather quickly and that we seem to be insatiable and never fully satisfied – and this may direct us to wonder if we have thought deeply enough about the sources of genuine self-approval.http://www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not

Wait, haven't I heard this somewhere before?

Notice that self-esteem directly involves the interaction of the mind with external reality.  Now let's make a little comparison that will help us make a big leap in our understanding of self-esteem.  Here it is: Are ego and self-esteem related? I think everyone would say yes.  But how are they related?  It's difficult, even for trained psychologists, to explain the difference. But let's make the connection.

First, we need to understand there are different meanings attached to the word "ego," some of which are contradictory. I have already considered these in depth in articles on this website, but a brief reminder should be enough for now. In one sense, ego refers to "the conscious self which has to balance the influences of the opposing id [drives and desires] and superego [conscience, and social influences], along with external reality." Does this sound familiar?

And it's this definition, not the one that's a synonym of conceited, that helps us understand ego strength. As I put it, "Logically, a person with high ego strength has a strong grip on reality.  In other words, they accept the world as it is.  They also have skills to help them balance their drives and desires with outside influences in a healthy way." I believe the insights of decades of research on ego strength can help us attain and maintain a healthy level of self-esteem.  I challenge you to compare the insights in this article with any popular article on self-esteem and ask yourself which one provides more actionable information.

Notice I used the word "healthy" when describing self-esteem. Branden referred to self-esteem as "the immune system of consciousness," adding, "A healthy immune system doesn’t guarantee you’ll never become ill, but it does reduce your susceptibility to illness and can improve your odds for a speedy recovery if you do get sick." 

He also uses the metaphor of physical health to clarify the difference between true self-esteem and efforts to bolster it artificially by self-praise and affirmations:

Let us say that you are in poor physical shape and also experience yourself as being in poor physical shape – that is, tire easily, have little stamina, often get short of breath, are physically weak, etc. The problem here, obviously, is not that you “rate” yourself as being in poor physical shape, the problem is that you ARE in poor physical shape. Then, let’s say, you join a gym, hire a trainer, and begin to work on improving your condition. You lose weight, become more flexible, grow stronger, develop better stamina, etc. As a consequence, two things happen: you become in better physical shape and you experience yourself as being in better physical shape. Your experience is not the result of mere “rating.” Rather, it reflects a direct perception of reality.

Low self-esteem is to the mind what shortness of breath, physical weakness, and vulnerability to injury are to the body. So let's get those ego weights out and bulk up our self-esteem muscles.Here's something so important it probably shouldn't be stuck in a footnote:  This article is not meant to suggest treatment for low self-esteem due to depression or other mental illness.  Just as no one would recommend lifting weights to someone who has suffered a serious injury, a person with depression should seek appropriate medical treatment.  Neither low self-esteem, depression, or being out of shape physically should be associated with stigma.  Accept yourself the way you are.  The way you feel and the shape your mind and body are in should not be a source of shame.  But do try to find ways to improve your situation.  I hope this article makes this point clear.  First, let's build up our motivation by considering the reasons it's worth the effort.

Why is it important?

Researchers have concluded that self-esteem:

• Leads to greater happiness"Self-esteem has a strong relation to happiness. Although the research has not clearly established causation, we are persuaded that high self-esteem does lead to greater happiness." Baumeister, R. F.; Campbell, J. D.; Krueger, J. I.; Vohs, K. D. (2003). "Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?". Psychological Science in the Public Interest. 4 (1): 1–44. doi:10.1111/1529-1006.01431. ISSN 1529-1006. PMID 26151640.
• Predicts success inOrth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The Development of Self-Esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381–387. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414547414
  
  • relationships
  • work
  • health

There is considerable evidence that self-esteem is related to job satisfaction.Judge, T. A., Locke, E. A., Durham, C. C., & Kluger, A. N. (1998). Dispositional effects on job and life satisfaction: The role of core evaluations. Journal of Applied Psychology, 83(1), 17–34. doi:10.1037/0021-9010.83.1.17

Individuals with high levels of CSE [core self-evaluations - linked with self-esteem] perform better on their jobs, are more successful in their careers, are more satisfied with their jobs and lives, report lower levels of stress and conflict, cope more effectively with setbacks, and better capitalize on advantages and opportunities.Tavousi, M. (2015). Dispositional Effects on Job Stressors and Job Satisfaction: The Role of Core Evaluations. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 190 . doi: 10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.04.917

The topic of self-esteem development is of considerable societal significance.Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014).

In short, there are few things in life that are more worthy of our consideration than this subject.

How to tell if someone has high self-esteem

Here are just a few of many possible ways to identify a person with healthy self-esteem:

• They are open to criticism
• They willingly acknowledge their mistakes
• They are comfortable with giving and receiving compliments
• They readily show curiosity and discuss their experiences, ideas, and opportunitiesCourtney Ackerman, whom I've quoted in my articles on emotional intelligence, also wrote the main article on self-esteem for PositivePsychology.com. (I "borrowed" this list from her.)  You'll find a wealth of additional useful information on the subject there.  Personally, I think an understanding of the fundamental concepts I discuss here will provide you with a deeper perspective and more actionable insights.

How to increase your self-esteem

Are you ready for some circuit training?  We'll start with a consideration of Branden's "six pillars of self-esteem," tying each one to the idea of ego strength, and we'll also throw in the fundamentals of a well-rounded person for good measure.  Finally, we'll top it off with some concepts that Branden may not have covered closely in his six pillars concept but still are important for high self-esteem.

The first pillar: The Practice of Living Consciously

Branden describes this pillar as:

• Respect for factsSeparating story from facts.  Stop and think about whether you are jumping to the wrong conclusions
• Being present to what we are doing while doing itGallwey's "other kind of satisfaction," the satisfaction of being in the now, and enjoying what is happening right now.
• Seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects
• Seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world, so that we do not act out of self-blindnessAn ‘ego barrier’ is a “subliminal defense mechanism that makes it hard for you to accept your mistakes and weaknesses.”
• Noticing and confronting impulses to avoid or deny painful or threatening realities (see ego defense)
• Commitment to growth"Adopt a growth attitude safe in the knowledge that though there may be dark times you’ll always come out on the other side. Be afraid of what will happen if you let your comfort zone shrink. There's no such thing as a static comfort zone. Those who embrace challenge grow, while those who fear discomfort tend to be uncomfortable most of the time."

How it relates to ego strength:These items all appear in my comprehensive consideration of the subject of ego strength.

• Openness to change: seeing the world as it is, not as one wishes it were
• Resilience: not closing our eyes to fear and pain but opening them wider to take action
• Emotional well-adjustment: Mastering emotional intelligence involves getting a firm grip on reality

In addition to emotional well-adjustment, a well-rounded person has a strong sense of values and principles (Now that I think of it, there are six "pillars" of well-roundedness too).

The second pillar: The Practice of Self Acceptance

According to Branden, this pillar involves:

• The willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning – and also without self-repudiation
• Giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts, experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing, or condoning themAccept that your life is what you’ve made it so far. If it’s not to your liking, rise to the challenge and begin to make a new one.
• The virtue of realism applied to the self
• Self-compassion, understanding that all actions have underlying reasons

While the first pillar involves getting a grip on reality, this one adds a layer of acceptance on top.  This is the kind of suspense of judgment I was referring to in some of my ego articles.  I certainly need to spend more time discussing this subject, since I don't have much on my site to refer to already.Of course, it's probably not necessary since the positive psychology movement openly preaches self-acceptance.  However, it's still worth considering what self-acceptance really means, and I will.

I see one item of correspondence here with both ego strength and a well-rounded personality: curiosity.  Curiosity is fundamental to having a strong grip on reality, but sadly, many of us have had our natural curiosity nipped at some point in our lives.  By all means, do your best to revive it.  Life is so full of rich experiences. Resist the urge to withdraw.  Approaching everything life sends our way with a strong sense of curiosity will only improve things.

The third pillar: The Practice of Self Responsibility

Branden says this means recognizing:

• That we are the author of our choices and actions; that each one us is responsible for life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals
• The question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to be done?”
• The world doesn't owe us anything. If we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer value in exchange

Ego strength link: resourcefulness.  A resourceful person has an adequate understanding of how things work and is able to come up with solutions to problems. Just like a bulging waistline or an aching back give us an indicator of our physical health, low self esteem might be an indicator of a need for improvement in this area. A person with a strong curiosity is always learning and therefore better equipped to deal with challenges and take responsibility for their outcome.

Interestingly, a person with strong ego strength not only takes responsibility for their own challenges but is also willing to allow others to handle theirs.  This means neither trying to control or dominate others nor serving as enablers by trying to take responsibility for what are rightly the other person's problems.

The fourth pillar: Self Assertiveness

According to Branden, self-assertiveness involves:

• Being authentic in our dealings with others
• Treating our values and other persons with decent respect in social contextsThe first pillar involves being conscious of our values but this one involves bringing them to bear on the world.  Logically, our courage to act on our values will be proportional to the confidence we have in them.
• Refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval
• The willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts

The link between self assertiveness and ego strength is confidence.  Also, a well-rounded person is willing to take risks.  Being assertive entails a degree of risk.  What if the other party doesn't appreciate our ideas, opinions, and values?  The problem should not be framed in terms of whether we assert ourselves (because humans are inherently equal), but how.  In this respect the third and fourth pillars are connected: To assert ourselves in a healthy way often requires great resourcefulness.

The fifth pillar: The Practice of Living Purposefully

Branden describes the practice of living purposefully as:

• Identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them (formulating an action-plan)
• Organizing behavior in the service of those goals
• Monitoring action to be sure we stay on trackI should probably mention the need to be realistic.  Self-esteem is sensitive to how realistic our goals and plans are.  Setting goals that are challenging but not overwhelming will be most likely to help maintain high self-esteem.
• Paying attention to outcomes so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-boardFailure can mean rethinking the plan.  Or it can mean a temporary setback or obstacle to be overcome.  If you are highly invested in the outcome, make sure you follow good decision-making practices.

This reminds me of the saying, "When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind."Attributed to first-century Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus. In this respect, self-esteem can be a useful barometer, telling us we need to stay on course; or perhaps it's time to set a new course altogether.  

It seems that each of these pillars builds on the ones before it.  In addition to all of the elements of ego strength we've addressed, we can add the last two: patience and persistence.  A purposeful life is not the life of a butterfly. It does not mean video game addiction or endless hours surfing Netflix.  A person who centers their life around such things will naturally have low self-esteem.  But living a purposeful life doesn't mean we are striving for accomplishment 24/7.  A well-rounded person will include balance in their life.  Unbalanced strivings are just as likely to lead to lower self-esteem.  Tying one's self-esteem to achievement inevitably means it will drop, because no one can succeed at everything.

The sixth pillar: The Practice of Personal Integrity

What does Branden say about this?  It means:

• Living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do
• Telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire

We've already covered all the facets of ego strength and nearly all the "pillars" of a well-rounded personality.In my article about being well-rounded I referenced a U.S. Department of Labor document discussing "personal effectiveness competencies" which dovetails nicely with the "pillars" I arrived at.  Integrity is high on their list. So instead of referencing those concepts as in the earlier cases, I'll just insert some quotes from some of my other articles:

Recognize that "no one has power over the way you think, feel or behave." While many of us were raised believing that our emotions are automatic responses to the actions of others, we can learn to stop and reflect on how to react, or even whether to react at all. Recognize that by taking responsibility for your actions you can maintain your integrity and self-respect.

While overall confidence is an important KPI of a person’s life, it is a person’s integrity that is a more accurate indicator. In the Confidence Bank Account, Confidence is the gross total of our account, but Integrity is the net. In business-speak, Confidence lest ConfiDebt is Integrity

But the empowering part is knowing that I have choices. And when I take responsibility for my actions I maintain my integrity and self-respect. My self-confidence stays in the black instead of going into the red (ConfiDebt).

What Branden didn't mention

Here's where I finish comparing the research I've done on the topic with Branden's six pillars.  I haven't read everything he wrote on the subject, nor will I have the chance to talk to him in person,Sadly, he died in 2014. so I don't know where he stands on the following.  Likely, he would agree that each of these are important ways to shore up our self-esteem.  I would say they qualify as additional pillars.Branden himself, in the conclusion of the book, presents what he calls "The Seventh Pillar": (Spoiler alert; these are literally the last words in the book) "The love we have for our own life ... is the beginning of virtue. It is the launching pad for our highest and noblest aspirations. It is the motive power that drives the six pillars. It is the seventh pillar of self-esteem." Those words may make for an inspiring conclusion, but they have little practical value in my opinion. Thus, for now I stand by my suggestions for additional "pillars".)

The first two additions come to mind as a result of my comparison of Branden's ideas to both ego strength and my own pillars, or fundamentals, of a well-rounded person.  The first four fundamentals were well-covered but there were two that we've only briefly touched on: care for others and a willingness to take risks. 

The seventh pillar: care for others

Branden touched on the topic of reciprocation under the third pillar, that is, we must give to others if we expect to receive from them.  Leaving it like that is a bit egoistic. True care for others is an important facet of healthy relationships, including our relationship with reality.  It shouldn't take much imagination to recognize that healthy relationships are essential for healthy self-esteem.  Lowered self-esteem could be a sign that I need to move away from a toxic relationship; for example, someone who resents my tactful efforts at asserting my needs.  Giving to others is a natural ego boost, that is, it's a tax-free way to genuinely raise our own self-esteem and theirs.For more ideas on how to increase self-esteem and improve relationships, go here.

The eighth pillar: willingness to take risks

Being assertive entails an element of risk.  Having a growth attitude, or mindset, or commitment to growth, also involves some risk.  It involves the willingness to make mistakes, the willingness to try new things that we aren't comfortable with, and the willingness to fail.  Taking reasonable risks is necessary to our self-esteem, because it knows when we are playing it safe, and trying to fool ourselves isn't worth it.  So I'm including it here for emphasis.  If you're not risking something, you're not really living, and your self-esteem will let you know.

The ninth pillar: keep a bright outlook

Branden mentions confidence, openness, and curiosity, but I didn't find any mention of optimism.  In fact, I searched his website and didn't find that word anywhere.  Although positive thinking is often overemphasized in a vain effort to compensate for other pillars that may be weak, it's still important.  Here are some ways positive thinking can help:

• Focus on the positive.
• Don’t look for things outside yourself to fill a void.  Possessions and fleeting experiences have no effect on self-esteem.You're right, he did say that already in the quote above.  It was worth mentioning again.  As always, you are a very astute reader.  Of course, only astute readers read footnotes.
• Don't compare yourself to others.  You may be inclined to envy something they have, but there's probably something else they have that you wouldn't want.
• Don't hold on to regret or resentment.
• Focus on building good habits and starving bad ones.  

Remember, a bright outlook doesn't mean unbridled optimism.  One last quote: 

While hope and optimism are important to counteract the negativity we all face, blind optimism isn't the solution. ...  These are things that can be controlled and modified.  That's the "bright" idea behind Bright Outlook.  Although each of us has inherent and culturally-influenced levels of optimism and pessimism, we can learn how to appraise situations realistically and make decisions that will result in the best outcome: less distress, and higher life satisfaction.

I'm delivering on my promises. You and I can find higher life satisfaction by applying what we've learned here.  Like anything in life, a good outcome requires sustained effort.  But let your self-esteem be your barometer and let it remind you when it's time to put forth some more.  You won't regret it.